Is Christ Really Present in Our Pain?

The traumatic events we experience, which we attribute to our emotional pain, is typically not in-and-of-itself the source of our ongoing emotional pain. The memory created from painful events will always be accompanied by emotional beliefs that were created from that moment in time. Therefore, the emotional beliefs we hold on to, long after the event has taken place, is typically the source of the ongoing emotional pain. Emotional beliefs will be fed and nurtured as a way to validate their existence in our mind and heart.

For example, if we experience trauma in the form of abuse, we will likely develop the belief that we are unlovable. The shame is intense. We will begin to act in ways, out of our pain, that will serve to validate that core, emotional belief. Of course, this only perpetuates a cycle which facilitate more wounding. Emotional beliefs are persuasive and even if they are not grounded in objective truth, they are real to the one who holds those beliefs. Those beliefs become our reality and serve to shape the narrative of our life.

This is why, when we have deep emotional pain from an experience, merely giving truth in the form of information to consume, will not likely result in transformation. Why? We are bound up in emotional beliefs that are so gripping that truth is not allowed to integrate itself into the fabric of our essence.

Sure. The bound up person may get smarter and may be able to repeat the truths taught them. In fact, they may even be able to explain why they feel the way they do. Yet, the ability for someone to regurgitate truth does not mean they have become unstuck and unbound by their emotional wounding.

When the Risen Christ is able to enter the memory of that traumatic event and be present in such a way that a person can experience grace and love from Him, in that memory, new emotional beliefs about the traumatic event can emerge. When those new emotional beliefs emerge they are on the way to integrating truth into their DNA and healing is the outcome. Jesus does set the captives free. He really does.

Work from men like Dr. Ed Smith help us really understand the power of theophostic prayer.

My Journey with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) – Part 1

My earliest recollection of the battle with OCD started around 5th grade. The anxiety was stimulated by the fear of absolute rejection from God. Fear of the evil side of spirituality and the possibility of being consumed by Satan himself began to overwhelm my thoughts. Ruminations that became fixations and an overactive brain (obsessions) created a cycle of anxiety that only found relief in two rituals (compulsive behaviors).

The first was to make sure every THING I owned was in its exact place. This begun a repetitive cycle in which I would stand in front of each piece of furniture in my room and scan my eyes over each section of furniture in a repetitive nature to make sure every trinket was in its “perfect” place. Every morning this ritual would take around 30 minutes to accomplish and would be repeated during the day. In the morning before leaving for school, I would lock my bedroom door, and repetitively checked the door to ensure it had indeed been secured so I could know the work I had just gone through would not be destroyed by an “intruder.” Essentially, I was keeping my outer world in order because my inner world was in absolute chaos. It was the only way I knew to take control of the anxiety. This, of course continued but the compulsive tasks got more complicated as my life progressed.

The second ritual was spiritual in nature. I had a repetitive prayer I had to pray with perfection. I had to count the mistakes in this repetitive prayer and this prayer began taking about 30 minutes but soon that 30 minutes turned into an hour and then longer. I would go to church, lock myself in a room and pray the prayer. If the church was not an option I would find a room in the house. This prayer had to sometimes be done several times a day.

What people saw as a highly spiritually, motivated person was nothing more than a person caught in the bondage of mental illness. It was a neurosis that nearly destroyed my life. Many jokes are made about OCD and yes, the irrationality of the behavior is something a comedian can use as good fodder. I have learned to laugh at it as much as I can but the truth is, if you have never struggled through the immense pain of such mental anguish it is hard to understand, yet I would never expect someone to either.

The journey has been a long, hard battle. My breaking point of confrontation with this neurosis began in 1999 when I had my first panic attack. Since then, there have been some extreme ups and downs but I have learned to manage it. The lowest point in my life was about 6 years ago. For an approximate five-month period, I had an average of about 2-3 hours of sleep per night and lived in what I would describe as a constant state of “panic attack” level of anxiety. During that season, at times I almost committed myself to a mental hospital for the fear I was literally losing my mind. On several occasions I entertained the thought that the only way out of the hell would be to take my own life. I imagined ways to accomplish such an act while making it look like an accident.

I reached out to those I felt was safe. During that period of time there was more than one night when I called Paul Fitzgerald. I can recall those times when at 2:00 am or so I would call Paul and he would answer coming out of a deep sleep. As I could heard the sleepiness in his voice, I am sure all he wanted was some rest. Yet, he never shamed me. Instead, he showered me with grace and helped me see that perhaps his response toward my brokenness may truly be the nature of the Risen Christ. He was present. Quite frankly, had he not have answered the phone, I am not sure how I would have made it. I was broken. All those hours of “perfect” prayers I realize now was wasted. The awareness I am now coming into is that all the Risen Christ wants is what I am; even if all I am is broken.

Some might say, “Why are you putting this brokenness and ‘dirty laundry’ on such a public forum?” The reason is simply this. God has given me a gift. That gift is the pain I have experienced. I have decided to commit the pain to God and not let any pain, untouched by the lover of my soul, be wasted. I will risk being shamed, discredited, marginalized, and ridiculed. This is not about me. I have entered a new place in my life where I am answering God’s call to own my story so that the Risen Christ can bring hope to those who hurt. I have NOTHING to offer you. Nothing but my own story that details a life of broken pieces which have been touched by Jesus Christ. The Jesus that touched the lepers and the unclean. All I want to say to you today is that He WANTS to touch you too. Not because of some moral obligation stemming from the fact that He is God, so He begrudgingly has to. Not so that He can send you to Africa and exploit you for selfish gain. He wants to touch you so you can practice what it will be like to have have a love affair with Him throughout eternity.

My desire is to extend hope and grace. Hope for those who fear being shamed, so they secretly suffer. Those who fear being accused of not surrendering to God, not having enough faith, not selflessly serving, and not being mature in their faith. So, they hurt alone in isolation. Those who look at despair while it scoffs at them and they begin to feel the burning of hell. A hell that does not burn with fire. It burns with hopelessness.

Since those who have such open psychological wounding will often never expose themselves, I will share so openly in the hope that you will begin to recognize and start to believe the possibility that the Risen Christ is willing to take up residence in your pain and hold you close as you hurt. You can find healing. Hope is more than a fantasy found in a fairytale. Hope is embodied in the presence of the Risen Christ. He wears the scars of the cross as a constant reminder to you of His love and acceptance. Reflect on this thought. This PERFECT Christ has the blemish of scars and He wears them to this day. That is a sobering reality that will will make the hardest heart melt in the furnace of His love and at the same time it will heal the most wounded soul.

This post is not for the religious elite. It for those who recognize they are are ragamuffin.